It’s not worth it

“She [wisdom] is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her.”
-Proverbs 3:15

It would be difficult for me to explain the last twelve hours of my life. Last night, I was convicted suddenly by some things I had done recently that hurt my wife very badly. She is extraordinarily gracious, and she forgave me immediately, and I was immediately sorry for the whole thing. That was a few weeks ago, but last night everything came back to me. I really couldn’t tell you why, but I was just astounded at the selfishness of my heart at times.

This morning I was listening to John Piper speak about Christian couples who were living together. I have several friends who are doing just that (some in separate rooms, some in the same), and most of my morning was spent in sadness over what we are doing to each other, and what we are telling the world.

Sometimes, when my wife and I start to get agitated with each other, we will tell each other this: “It’s not worth it. Whatever it is we feel we need to say, whatever right we feel we must protect, whatever desire we feel has to be sated – it’s not worth it.”

And though we’ve been doing that for a while, I’m beginning to understand the truth in it better today with this verse. When I get upset over something that was done to me, and I feel like I have to assert myself and make things right for myself, it always seems to make it worse. Whenever I seek my own advancement, I am disappointed. Whenever I start to shout out my rights, those rights are never as sweet as I wanted them to be.

We have all sorts of desires that we think will fill us, and they never do. To address the other situation that has been on my mind today: Moving in with a girlfriend seems great for a time, until, twenty years down the road, your daughter decides to follow your example.

The truth of the matter is this. The world tells me I need and deserve a lot of stuff, and none of it is really worthwhile in the end. It falls apart, it complicates things, it destroys, it traps, it fades.

On the other hand, God never does these things. He never weakens, never tires, never fails. I never regret those days when I hold my tongue at home, even though I want to tell my wife all about the ways I deserve something. I only regret the days I do say something.

Jesus tells Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Corinthians 12:9). As always, He’s right. I have needed His grace for those times I’ve ruined everything to keep my relationship with God intact, just like I need my wife’s grace in order to stay married. Without it, I’m lost. I’ve needed that grace to steady myself when life gets rocky. I’ve needed it to ground me when I’m on top of the world. I’ve needed it more than bread, water, and air, for even those come from grace.

I don’t always follow after that wisdom. I hope I do not make Jesus look bad when I don’t. More than that, I lose something when I don’t, for whatever I start chasing isn’t nearly good enough to replace when I’m giving up.