Proverbs 1:12: The cure for sin

“like Sheol let us [sinners] swallow them [the innocent] alive, and whole, like those who go down to the pit;”
-Proverbs 1:12

I had actually begun writing about verse 13 tonight. I was ready to move on, ready to tackle another verse. And then something happened, and I am not exaggerating when I tell you it changed my life permanently.

I was supposed to be married in less than a month, but tonight my fiancée called it off.

The other day I wrote about this verse, and how it seems like so many of us just have the desire to see people fall. Tonight I feel something else, and it made me run to this verse again.

It’s hard to explain what I’m feeling. It’s changing by the minute, and so if I start to explain, it’ll shift a half dozen times before I’m done. When I was talking with her, I felt the urge to defend myself at first. A lot of what she said made sense, and she was dead-on right, but a lot of it I thought was unfair, so I wanted to justify myself. Even when I was wrong, I wanted to point out when she had been just as wrong in exactly the same way.

Then I wanted to tear myself down, and I just took everything she said with hardly a “You’re right” as we went.

I’m angry, I’m lonely, I’m worried, I’m terrified, I’m all these things in turn. And then I go back through them all. I found myself pacing, thinking that it was her fault, and then deciding it was mine, and then I finally become somewhat rational and realize that we’ve both been building up to this for a long time. We’ve been terrible in communicating, and neither of us really understood the other person’s frustrations and concerns. The discussion would get convoluted whenever we would bring those issues up, and they would get worse. We were working on communicating, but not working very hard.

Most of the time it was really wonderful, don’t get me wrong! We just didn’t talk very well.

At this moment I’m somewhat at peace with the whole thing. Five minutes ago I wanted to break something. I didn’t, but I wanted to. Ten minutes before that I wanted to give up on love and live like a hermit, and before that I wanted to break someone else’s heart. I won’t, if you’re wondering. Not intentionally.

And for a moment, I wanted to break hers. I wanted to call her back and just lay into her and make her feel bad.

For a moment. That’s what made me go back to this verse.

When I’m upset and lonely, that’s when I’m most vulnerable to sin. I think that’s true with pretty much everyone. When it’s late and you’re still up and you’re thinking about all the things you wanted to do with that person that you’ll never get to do, all the things you wanted to show her and teach her and learn from her, it’s easy just to slip and do something stupid. Like call her up and say something you’ll regret.

So why didn’t I? Because I love her. Because I love her more than I love myself. No matter what happened tonight, and no matter what happens tomorrow, I’m still going to want the absolute best for her.

Even if that isn’t me.

The cure for sin is love. That’s why Christ came, out of love. That’s why He died for us, because of love. And in the end, I love Him too, and so I’m going to cry tonight, and I’m going to pray, and I’m going to read my Bible, and that’s all.

It’s enough. It’s enough right now just to talk with Him.

I’ve been divorced before, and when my ex left me, I got very destructive for a while. I wonder how many people I pulled with me into the pit then. I’m going to try to do better this time. Not because I think I have to or anything like that, but because I know love a little better now.

Not well enough, I suppose, but I’m learning.